A forty-year-old man has written to us about the drama in his family that arose after his wife revealed to him the truth about his own parents. Suddenly, the man was viewing them from a different perspective, and a great deal of information about his family was now apparent to him. Because they were unwilling to accept the harsh reality and clung to their beliefs in spite of the man’s ruined life, his parents now despise the entire family.
Even though the man is an adult, his parents’ pressure still affects him.
In a letter to our editorial, a man by the name of Nick described his intricate family circumstances. He began his letter by stating that he had recently experienced a kind of epiphany. Nick acknowledged that he’s still working through his feelings and debating whether to bring up the subject with his parents again or to just let things stand as they are.
“My parents are 78 and 75 years old, and I am 40 years old,” wrote Nick. I think that most people at my age are pretty independent of all of their relatives and in charge of making their own decisions in life. However, that isn’t my situation. Until recently, I had no explanation for my parents’ hatred of my wife Ann and even my children.
In an additional explanation of his family history, Nick stated, “I am the oldest of my 11 siblings.” My parents don’t mind at all that they each have their own families. But things took a different turn when it came to my family. My parents have always insisted that I should stay single because they know it’s best for me, and they have been extremely resentful of me starting my own family.
“I moved out of my parents’ house when I was twenty, but I still came to visit them frequently and spent a lot of time at their place,” the man continued. I had not gone on many dates in my younger years. Ann and I began dating when I was twenty-five years old. We married a year after falling in love so quickly.
My siblings all adore Ann. She is an excellent chef and a wonderful hostess. Our home has evolved into a gathering place. After fifteen years of marriage, we now have two children.
Nick’s early years were difficult, and he shared some of his family history.
The man wrote, “My younger sister Jane is only a year younger than me, and we have 12 kids in the family.” Being the oldest, Jane and I were always there to assist with the younger children and household chores. To be honest, it was quite common for my parents to call us “Nick and Jane and the kids.” It seemed as though Jane and I were two other adults residing in the house rather than children at all.
“We were homeschooled, so we were at home all the time,” Nick continued. Every morning when I woke up, I would prepare breakfast for all of the kids and then assist them in getting ready for school or any other activities before beginning my own homework. Jane’s job was to assist mom with the baby at night, and we always had babies in the family.
Each and every household task was completed by Jane and Nick. According to Nick, they alternated between doing the laundry and cleaning the kitchen, and there was always a ton of it. “I did all the “man’s” stuff,” like mowing the yard and taking out the trash, Nick revealed. Even though I gave some of these tasks to my younger brothers as I got older, I was still in charge of making sure they were completed.
The man went on, “I started running errands and taking all of my siblings everywhere when I was old enough to drive.” I can’t even begin to count the number of times I took them on play dates or to the doctor. I was also the one who read bedtime stories to the younger children and put them to sleep. I was treated more like a father than a brother in our family, so these things were all just normal to me.
With time, nothing really changed.
“My parents always said how important it was for Jane and me to help with the younger kids because mom and dad were so busy with their own stuff,” continues Nick’s account. I had to interrupt myself several times to take care of something because my parents were “advising” someone.
Nick wrote, “My parents and Jane did not like Ann when I got married.” Although Ann and my mom still have a very tense relationship, Jane and Ann get along just fine these days. Although my dad initially liked my wife, their relationship has soured over the past few years.
Nick’s relationship with his family didn’t get much better over time. The man wrote, “My dad has often said that I should continue to fulfill my responsibilities.” He even called me once about a fight between one of my younger siblings and my mother, telling me to “speak to your brother and make him change his attitude!” You should force him to apologize for the horrible way he handled your mother!
Nick stated, “My parents didn’t take it well when we refused to “discipline” our younger siblings, even though our home is always open to them.”
During their conversation, Nick’s wife shared her perspective on their family’s circumstances.
Nick disclosed, “Ann suffered a foot injury a while back that prevented her from walking for a while. I was diagnosed with a severe kidney disease just as she was beginning to recover. Later on, it developed into a severe kidney failure. It has been a difficult year for me and I have had multiple surgeries.
During this entire period, my parents not only declined to offer any assistance, but actively endeavored to exacerbate our situation. They abruptly canceled after making a last-minute commitment to assist with our children.
Ann and Nick had a deep conversation about everything, during which Ann revealed to her husband what she saw in his family. «My wife told me that she saw how my parents mistreated me all this time,» Nick disclosed. She believed it was because they had “parentified” me when I was a child, and that’s why they now detested Ann and our children since they thought they were stealing me away. I used to assist them more and more when I was single, but as my own family grew, I stopped taking on their burdens and didn’t work as hard to find solutions.
Ann told Nick something else as well, and it terrified the hell out of him. Ann claimed that after Nick’s mother approached her and made a large financial offer, Ann was forced to leave Nick and take the kids away from him. Ann, naturally, turned down this offer.
Nick is furious right now and doesn’t want to stay in touch with his parents. He tried to talk to them about everything once, but he had to break up the awkward conversation when his mom started acting like she was having a heart attack.
“I have never thought that what my parents actually did to me was destructive in so many ways,” Nick wrote as he concluded his letter. The things that I later realized were abnormal were actually damaging my personality and negatively affecting my family life.
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